Dung Detention
by Anaela loves who
Summary: Snape’s worst memory isn’t exactly treasured by James either, mostly because he was forced to shovel dragon dung fertiliser as punisment. Running into Lily Evans, covered in it from head to foot, didn’t exactly help either.Rated for language LJ ONESHOT


**Disclaimer: **Well, I obviously don't own Harry Potter. If I did, this fan fic would be published in a book of short stories depicting the school days of Lily and James, adding on to my many other billions of pounds.

**A/N: **:_gulp_: Well, I can't deny that I'm very nervous. This is my first attempt at humour, and I'm not quite sure if I've succeeded. See, _I _laughed as I wrote this, but I am an idiot, and laugh at the drop of a hat. So please be kind.

Okay! So. This was written right after the little incident in book five, when James and Sirius have Snape hanging upside down. What has happened is that as James 'takes of Snivelly's pants,' McGonagall has stormed into the scene, and marched them into the castle. We meet the boys awaiting their doom in her office.

Try to enjoy!

---

_Professor McGonagall's office, Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, June 16, 1976. 12.32 pm._

"I'm sure it goes without saying, boys, that I am _extremely_ disappointed in the both of you, and thoroughly ashamed of such filthy behaviour." Professor McGonagall, situated behind her desk, regarded the two students sitting in front of her. Her voice was shaking with fury, and her mouth was so thin, it was clearly creased by a bright, white line. "A _stinking_, _cowardly_ act, and by two Gryffindors, let alone two students about to begin their sixth year. I must confess, I have never been more embarrassed to be responsible for Sirius Black and James Potter."

Despite the severity of the Professor's tone, said boys were at ease. James covered a yawn with his hand politely, and Sirius was cleaning his nails with a pocket knife.

"A _disgusting_ display," McGonagall snapped, suddenly standing up. Her height, usually imposing for those of the receiving end of her lectures, seemed to be unnoticed by the two boys. Indeed, James was snickering at Sirius, who appeared to be mimicking her.

"_Desist_, Black," the harassed woman ordered between clenched teeth. He stopped sheepishly. "Well? What have you to say for yourselves?"

James stopped laughing and adopted a very serious expression. He folded his hands on the table and looked up at the woman. "I maintain that he hung _himself_ upside down, and took off his _own_ pants," he told her sombrely, eyes unconvincingly innocent.

Sirius nodded in agreement, with an extremely straight face. "Yes, I could always tell young Severus was a bit of a wild child," he said crisply. He inconspicuously extracted a ginger newt from inside a tartan biscuit tin on the professor's desk.

"Attention seeker," James agreed.

"Just _crying out_ to be heard."

"Perhaps questioning his sexuality?"

"You know, James, all the signs are pointing that way, so it really wouldn't shock me –"

"_That is enough_!" McGonagall snatched the biscuit tin out of Sirius's hands, and shoved it inside a drawer. She sat down and glared at them severely. "You, boys, are in dire need of growing up. The attack of Mr Snape was a cruel, dirty, and unprovoked –"

"Hey, he'd just fired one of his little dark curses at me, one of the ones from all his old books," James shot back angrily, indicating a deep gash on his cheek. "And he called Lily Evans a –" James lowered his voice, and swallowed, "You know, the _'M' _word."

McGonagall's lips relaxed ever so slightly, but her beady eyes were just as severe. "Be that as it may," she told them sternly, "His – _exposure – _was completely unacceptable behaviour."

Sirius nodded emphatically, still with that very straight face. "I am of the same mind, Minerva," he told her, just as sternly. "Severus _cannot_ be allowed to reveal himself like that again – think of the emotional trauma inflicted upon innocent bystanders."

"He has issues," James commented, also nodding.

"Severe issues," Sirius agreed, shaking his head sadly.

"It's cruel keeping him here… Why don't we send him to a clinic?"

"Or push him of a cliff, I'm not picky…"

At that, James began to snigger, and Sirius grinned. McGonagall, on the other hand, was not amused.

"This is serious, Black," she said loudly, almost pleadingly; at this, the boys only laughed harder. The poor woman groaned and buried her face into her hands.

At this uncharacteristic display of submission, the boys (who really thought of McGonagall as their favourite professor) stopped laughing and broke into a chorus of sympathetic 'awww's.

"Come now, Minnie, cheer up," James said kindly. He tilted her chin up with his forefinger, and smiled in a warm, older-brotherly way.

"Yeah… you only have to put up with us for two more weeks, and then it's summer!" Sirius reminded her enthusiastically. "So why don't you turn that frown –" he winked cheekily, "– upside down?"

'Minnie' was very sorely tempted to, but she kept her stern face in tact. "I will have none of your insubordination, Black," she growled. "Now. For your punishment."

The two boys groaned loudly.

"Silence!" McGonagall barked. They obeyed sulkily. "Now," she repeated, fixing them with a steely glare, "For your humiliation of Mr Snape, I have organized for you to take part in the most repugnant and tedious of tasks as part of your detention. Between the two of you, you will clean every single one of the twenty-seven bathrooms within the castle – _no buts, thank you!_ – excluding those within the four Houses, the staff rooms and the prefect bathroom, _without_ the aid of magic. Do not look at me like that, thank you, Mr Black! To enforce those conditions, you will be supervised by either Mr Filch, or myself. All twenty-seven of these bathrooms are to be cleaned before the last day of term. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Professor," James said sullenly, but Sirius had other ideas.

"What about our OWLs, eh?" he asked, in a rather smart-alec-ish tone. "Our OWLs determine our future! We need to study to get good marks, don't we? You don't want to sabotage our future, now, do you?"

McGonagall's eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared quite alarmingly.

"If you are struck by the _unusual_ desire to study, Mr Black, which I am inclined to believe is a foreign concept to you, you may clean the bathrooms in your final week of term, after completion of your OWLs. I have calculated that if you clean four bathrooms every day for six days, and then three bathrooms on the seventh, you will have completed your detention." McGonagall fixed Sirius with an incredibly dirty look.

"Needless to say, Black, I am quite certain that 'studying' was never on the agenda for your OWLs week. The fact that you were caught in the astronomy tower no less than _nine times _this week after curfew, with a different young lady on each occasion, is _more_ than enough evidence for _that. _So I hardly think, at the rate at which _you _are going, your futurecareer _– _" McGonagall gave him a look of disgust, " – will depend upon your OWLs in the _slightest_."

Sirius turned very red; James tried hard not to laugh and didn't quite succeed.

"In addition to this," McGonagall informed them, after James managed to stop sniggering, "The both of you shall assist Mr Hagrid with some gardening after your Defence Against the Dark Arts practical examination. It is my understanding that you will be applying dragon fertilizer upon where it is required."

Sirius's jaw dropped open in horror. "But that stuff pongs something chronic!" he squawked indignantly, presently forgetting his embarrassment.

"Yeah, he's right, miss," James agreed quickly. "You can't get dragon dung off – we'll stink for a week. My folks use it, it's rank!"

"In the spirit of using colloquialisms," McGonagall said brusquely, standing up and walking towards the door, "_Tough coconuts._" She opened the door for them to leave.

Sirius and James stared at the woman in numb disbelief. Slowly, their instructions registered and they stumbled out of the Professor's office.

"You will make your way down to Mr Hagrid's hut as soon as your practical exams are finished. Good luck." And she closed the door sharply.

Minerva McGonagall massaged the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index finger; those two were simply the most incorrigible larrikins she had ever come across. Very smart; too smart for their own good, in fact. Indeed, the only reason they _were _given detention during their OWL examinations was because she knew they could handle it. They had a gift…To get all 'Outstandings' without even trying! The trouble was they abused their gift. Mindless pranks, illegal hexes, forgotten curses, jinxes of their own invention - Merlin, what they did to her poor nerves.

Deep down, Minerva was as fond of them as they were of her. They were good boys; trouble makers, yes, but their hearts were in the right place. But sometimes, they made her wonder. For example, the malicious attack on Severus Snape… today was inexcusably cruel. Silly tricks, like charming people to burp incessantly, or attacking the sevenths years with dung bombs, she could laugh away. But for this, she was genuinely ashamed of them. She only hoped that they got over their childish ways before it was too late. Both of them came of age before the end of the year, but would the marauders ever really grow up?

Minerva buried her face in her hand for the second time that day, and a strange noise escaped her lips, something that was not heard very often. She was laughing.

_Turn that frown upside-down, indeed._

_---_

"I can't believe this," Sirius muttered darkly, as he and James strutted through the hallways of Hogwarts. "Messing around with dragon dung. I thought Minnie loved us."

"She does," James replied, pretending he was scratching his head so he could mess up his hair. "Didn't take off any house points, did she?"

"She just wants to win the house cup," Sirius said with a smirk. "Selfish old woman…"

"_I will have none of your insubordination, Black!" _James snapped in such a convincing impersonation of McGonagall that several students turned around. Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

"Yeah, she's going soft on us…"

"What d'ya reckon Snivellus got?" James asked in a dark voice. "I bet he got bugger all."

"I'd be satisfied if they made him wash his hair," Sirius jeered, "That'd be punishment enough for him. Parting with his precious, precious grease!"

The two boys entered the Great Hall, where the last of students were having lunch. Professor McGonagall had swept them away before they had a chance to eat, so they sat down and loaded their plates with chicken and ham sandwiches. As they sat, a large group of chattering girls were leaving, one of which sent James and Sirius a rather unnerving death stare.

"Oh, I bet I know who turned us in to McGonagall," Sirius said to James, jabbing him with his elbow. "Evans. Sort of chivalrous thing for her to do." He looked at James suspiciously, who seemed rather fixated upon his plate. "What'd you go and ask her out for? Just to get up her nose?"

James shrugged and asked Sirius to pass the pepper.

---

Two hours later, after two easily attained Outstandings in their practical Defence Against the Dark Arts exam, James and Sirius sauntered through the Hogwarts grounds down to Hagrid's hut. Sirius was trying in vain to see some good in the second part of their detention; cleaning the twenty-seven large, dank and in some cases, rancid bathrooms of their school. He wasn't having much luck.

"Yeah… but… we might find something good in the girls' toilets, right?"

James raised an eyebrow. "Sirius, how could we find anything in there that's _good_? They piss in there, for Merlin's sake."

"C'mon, you know me, it's the whole… removal of clothing issue…"

"Padfoot, it's not as if they prance around naked in their loo breaks."

Sirius sighed sadly. "S'pose you're right. Well, at least we can go in there. I mean, they'll be coming in – if we take the cloak – "

"Sirius, I don't want to spy on girls taking a leak."

"…Me neither."

James looked slightly disturbed. "Besides, I bet McGonagall will fence off the places where we're cleaning. And what girl in her right mind will want to sit on a toilet listening to _you_ try and hit on them?"

"Actually, I once had this particularly interesting encounter – "

"Oi, James! Sirius! C'mon, haven't got all day!"

Sirius and James stopped in their tracks, as they rounded the bend of the tall beanstalks growing in the vegetable patch. First, they simultaneously blinked, and then retched immediately after.

In Hagrid's huge oak wheelbarrow lay a gigantic, festering pile of murky green-brown sludge, covered by a thick canopy of flies and visible brown stench waves. It smelled like something between a bad case of diarrhoea and a mixture of vomit and rotten eggs that had been left to stew in the sun.

"Holy shit!" Sirius yelled, covering his nose with his hand.

"You're not wrong, Sirius!" Hagrid called back, in what sounded suspiciously like a cheery tone. "Ruddy brilliant stuff, dragon dung is! Yeh've gotten off easy for this detention, boys!"

"Gotten off easy?" James exclaimed incredulously. "I think the fumes have demented his brain." He wasted no time about it, and cast the bubble-head charm on his head, to ward off the stink. Sirius hastily followed suite, shaking his head.

"That poor, poor deluded bastard…"

Hagrid laughed, a deep, booming laugh from the depths of his enormous belly, at the boys as they began coughing and spluttering more intensely with the addition of the bubble head charm. "Magic don't work!" He cried joyfully, thrusting his hand into the repulsive sludge. It made an ominous sucking sound as he withdrew a handful. "Impervious!"

"I think it'd be impervious to pretty much anything," Sirius retorted in a nasal voice. He had resorted pinching his nose again. "Hagrid, do we really _have_ to shovel around that… _slop_?"

Hagrid frowned. "Ah, yeh don't think it's _tha'_ bad, do yeh?"

"I think I just vomited in my mouth a bit," James replied.

"Yeah?" For some reason, Hagrid seemed astounded. "I though' it had a real… I dunno, wholesome, _earthy_ scent about it." He lifted his fistful to his nose and inhaled deeply.

Sirius ran behind the woodshed to be sick.

---

"Child abuse," Sirius muttered darkly, after fifteen minutes of shovelling and another trip behind the woodshed. "That's what this is – child abuse. What we did was _not_ worth this sick idea of a detention."

"But jus' look at the wonders you're doing fer the bean stalks!" Hagrid exclaimed, enthusiastically indicating the rapidly growing plants. Though it may have been quite beneficial to plant growth, as soon as the dragon dung touched the soil, it immediately started smoking and sizzling. The sizzling was the result of all the insects that had fallen dead out of the bean stalk leaves, and into the fertilizer.

"Well, la-di-dah!" Sirius yelled, kicking the stalk of a beanstalk. A chunk of brown muck hit him in the cheek. "Meanwhile, I smell like a TOILET."

"Guess there'll be no secret rendezvous with Florence behind the greenhouses this afternoon," James said with a smug satisfaction, as he shovelled another scoop from the wheelbarrow.

"Not like this," was the gloomy reply. "Although, I _did_ have this one particularly interesting encounter – "

Hagrid laughed his booming laugh again, and clapped Sirius on the shoulder, sending him to his knees, which was unfortunately into the fertilizer. "Ah, you boys kill me."

"Us too Hagrid, us too," James replied, smirking at the expression on Sirius' face. He got up, glaring darkly at Hagrid, who didn't seem to notice.

"I'm not doing this any more," he scowled, dropping his shovel. "My muscles are seizing up. All this for showing everyone what Snivellus _didn't_ have." He looked at James. "Come on mate, we must be able to do something with magic."

"McGonagall said you wasn't allowed," Hagrid reminded them, still in that annoyingly cheerful tone. "Sides, magic don't work – you want ter ward it off, like the smell with the bubble head charm, it on'y made it worse."

"This is bullshit!" Sirius cried.

"Dragon shit."

"Hey wait a minute," James cut in. "What would happen if I summoned it?"

"Probly nothing," Hagrid said. "What are you playing at James – "

"_Accio dung_," James said. A clump of greeny-brown sludge slid away from the rest of the pile, in the opposite direction of James.

"Good man, Prongs!" Sirius said joyfully. He summoned the dung himself, and it flew a few feet away from his wand tip. "Excellent, no effort required."

"Hey!" Hagrid yelled, alarmed. "Yeh can't go doing that, what if yeh get caught!"

"We won't get caught, Hagrid. Only if someone turned us in."

"What if _I_ turned you in, Black?"

Sirius and James exchanged hurt expressions.

"Well," James said slowly, "You _could_ do that. But it would be such a shame, especially after we've… er… _assisted_ you all those time."

"Like that time we helped smuggle in a mate for Aragog."

"And the 15 square yards of manticore hide – "

"And smuggling the Chimera egg – "

"Remember the Hippogriff incident?"

"And those illegal salamander hybrids?"

"Face it, Hagrid, you're no saint yourself –"

"Oi, don't forget that time you _overindulged_ at Christmas in forth year – "

Hagrid took a sneaky look behind his back, as if McGonagall was peering through the windows of the woodshed. "Ah, alright, go on, go on. But I didn't see nothin'."

"See what?" Sirius asked innocently, hand behind his back. A portion of dung flew into the air and landed onto a fresh patch of soil.

"Yeah, yeah…"

"You're a good bloke, Hagrid," James said sombrely. "You know, you're there for us…

Hagrid snorted. "Terrible, the both of yeh, and here I am encouraging you," he said derisively, but his eyes were crinkled.

"We know we amuse you, Hagrid," James told him.

"Yeah, we could see in your cabin this afternoon, with the de-robe-ing of Snivelly," Sirius joked, "Cheering with the rest of the crowd – STRIP! STRIP! STRIP! STRIP – "

"Now wait a minute," Hagrid interrupted, his eyes no longer crinkled. "Tha' – what I'm meaning to say – "

"Don't worry Hagrid, everyone else regretted chanting that after we actually did it, too. Wasn't pleasant, was it James?"

"Oh God, don't talk about it."

"No! What I mean is… Boys, that was out of line."

James and Sirius both looked taken aback. "What d'you mean, Hagrid?" James asked reasonably.

"I'm sayin' you shouldn'a done that. That Snape bloke may be a miserable sod – "

"Yes. Yes, he is," James agreed, nodding.

"But it's no reason fer you ter be sinking down to his level."

Sirius rolled his eyes, and began to argue, but James was silent. Those words reflected the words that a girl said a few hours ago.

" – besides, it was only for a split second. And I'm sure no one was taking any photos – I mean, who in their right mind – "

"I'm just glad McGonagall came in and stopped you when she did. That boy was humiliated to tears."

"Urgh, _Evans_ went and got her, didn't she?" Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"I dunno, but I'm glad she tried to stop you." Hagrid looked meaningfully at James, who then concentrated on repelling the dung.

Sirius laughed. "Oh God James, he's taking _Evan's _side."

"She's a nice girl," Hagrid persisted, still looking at James. "I have her down fer tea in me cabin sometimes. She's a real funny girl."

"I won't deny she's got a sharp mouth on her, and she can sock a killer body binding curse," Sirius admitted. "She could have been great as one of us – you know, if she didn't have morals and all."

Hagrid chuckled. "She makes me laugh. About as much as you two. I would have though you lot got along real well with her," Hagrid said, in a slightly tentative tone, still looking at James.

"Yeah, well, she thinks we're arrogant berks, and we think she's a noisy brat, so what can you do," Sirius said dismissively.

"Hrmph," Hagrid grunted disapprovingly. "I reckon you lot should be friends. Maybe you could all come down fer a spot of tea one afternoon, after yer OWLs?" He said all of this very innocently, his eyes still darting over to James. James's movements became more frenzied, and he accidentally dropped his shovel.

"Yeah, um, Hagrid, that's all very nice and all, but we don't like her," Sirius replied, a little annoyed, not noticing his uncharacteristically silent friend. "And she sort of hates us with, oh, the fire of a thousand suns, wouldn't you say James?"

James did not answer, as he was currently on all fours on the ground, busy cleaning the dung off his dropped shovel.

Hagrid scratched his enormous beard hesitantly. "Now… I wouldn't say she _hated_ you," he began slowly. He paused once more. "Well, she doesn't hate James at least… the way she goes on, it sounds like she migh' fancy him a bit."

Sirius snorted doubtfully, and was about to open his mouth to make a cynical retort, but was somewhat distracted by the strange behaviour of his best friend. White faced, James threw his dung-splattered shovel aside with a clatter, leapt up and flew over to seize Hagrid's coat, clinging to it desperately. There was a ridiculous grin on his face.

"WHAT?" he yelled excitedly, shaking Hagrid. "Does she? Oh, Merlin, Hagrid! Does she _really_?"

Sirius remained open mouthed, staring blankly. Hagrid's shoulders were shaking. "No, not really," the half-giant told James, his apologetic tone not hiding his amusement. "I just made that up."

James's face fell. "Oh." He let go of Hagrid's coat limply.

Hagrid disguised any escaped chuckles with a cough. "Sorry, mate, I just had to be sure."

James simply looked devastated. With a muttered 'Right,' he went beet red and retrieved his shovel. Sirius quickly covered his quivering mouth.

James cleared his throat. "Well, it looks like we're just about finished here," he said in a pinched, cheerful voice. "Sirius, we'd best be heading back to the castle, yeah?" He grabbed Hagrid's hand and started shaking it energetically. "Hagrid, mate, Lily seeing you – GAH! I MEAN – Lovely Lily seeing you – _Christ_ – LOVELY SEEING YOU HAGRID!"

There was an awkward silence. After a moment, James sighed in a defeated sort of way.

Sirius and Hagrid burst out laughing.

"Shut up!" James exclaimed angrily, his face positively fluorescent.

Sirius clutched James's arm weakly for support. "You – you fancy Evans?" he shouted incredulously over Hagrid's booming laughter.

"Of course I don't fancy her," the blushing marauder snapped, wrenching his arm from Sirius's grip.

"Yeah, you do!" he replied, laughter subsiding. "To the point where it's quite pathetic, it looks like! Not like you to keep a secret, James, why didn't you tell me?"

"I told Moony," James replied, in a very scathing tone, although much of the effect was lost due to his uncanny resemblance to a quaffle.

Sirius grinned and pointed at James triumphantly. "HAH! You admitted you like her! Now why didn't you tell me?"

James glared. "Because you're a lousy git, and would blab it to her," he snapped.

"Ouch," Sirius said, looking stung. He then grinned. "Ah, well… truth hurts! Too bad I know now, eh?"

James's eyes widened behind his dung-flecked spectacles. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, but I would – "

"'Course he won't," Hagrid cut in, clapping Sirius on the shoulder, and for the second time, sending him to kneel on the dung-encrusted ground. "What sort of best mate would he be then?"

"The type that dacks you when you're just about to ask out a girl," Sirius replied darkly.

James grinned reminiscently. "Ah, good times."

"Don't worry Hagrid, I won't tell her," Sirius said sweetly, with an innocent smile that fooled no one. "At least, not straight away. I want to watch him squirm for a bit first."

James didn't look to happy. "You really are a lousy git."

"Better than an 'arrogant toe-rag'!"

"Piss off, you man-whore!"

"Drop dead, you red-head shagger!"

"Flea-bitten mongrel!"

"Four-eyed fork-head!"

"Ooh, points for alliteration, Padfoot."

"Thanks, James."

The two best friends laughed and performed their secret handshake that everyone knew about. "Right," Hagrid said, after a great many pelvic thrusts. "Well, you really are nearly done, and I guess you should go back up to the castle – y'got yeh Transfiguration exam on Monday, I suppose you'd better study for it."

"Yeah James, you better go study," Sirius snickered, "If 'studying' means mooning over Evans!"

"I don't _moon_ over her," James informed him hotly.

"Good thing, mate, cos you've got no chance in hell."

James, strangely, smirked cockily. "What makes you say that?"

"Uhh…" Sirius droned, scratching his head in mock thought. "Probably the fact that she hates your guts, and would choose a slimy sea monster over you."

He rolled his eyes dismissively. "She was only saying that, you great prat. I mean, as if she'd be all flowers and sunshine right after she's yelling at me. How stupid would that look."

"Yeah, or she just hates you."

James waved the comment away with a flamboyant flap of the hand. "I don't think so," he said in that annoyingly smug voice. "I haven't said anything… but she's been sending me cards every Easter and Christmas, for five years." His smirk got a little smugger. "And if you don't believe me, I've kept them all to prove it, so there!"

Without warning, Sirius smacked him in the head. "Idiot!" he yelled. "She gives them to everyone in Gryffindor!"

James's smirk promptly disappeared. "What?"

"God!" Sirius cried out in disgust, his newly raised hand making James whimper and shield himself like a wounded animal. "Have you been thinking you were a special case all this time? Merlin, _I_ got them from her, even _Peter_ got them! You _pathetic_ – " _WHACK._

"Blimey, such a nice girl, sendin' cards to people she doesn't even like," Hagrid mused out loud.

"Hagrid!"

"Oh! Sorry, James, mate…"

" – _besotted - _" _WHACK, _" - _Pitiful – _" _WHACK, _" - _Snot_-for-brains!" Sirius shook his head. "And you even kept them. Prongs, you disgust me."

James looked extremely embarrassed. "Yeah – well… she laughs at my jokes."

"Only because half the time you look like a demented chicken," was the derisive retort.

James was beginning to look quite worried. "But – she – she doesn't ignore me – she says good morning to me when I do – "

Sirius smacked him in the head again, prompting a sharp yelp of pain. "Probably because you're always staring and grinning like the _fool_ that you are, I bet she's just trying to get rid of you!" He barked in laughter. "Merlin, I've been thick, why didn't I see it before? Hagrid, _he speaks like this_," Sirius lowered his voice to a deep base, "_Whenever he talks to her._"

"I do not!"

"Oh, you do too! I always thought you might like someone in that group, you're always showing off."

"Oh, and you don't."

Sirius tossed his hair. "Yeah, for girls in general. _You_ do it to impress Evans."

James looked very sullen. "Yeah, well, I don't even like her anymore," he muttered. "Not after turning us into McGonagall. She ruined everything. I don't fancy her."

"Too bad, Prongs," Sirius said, looking past James's shoulder, "Because she's walking over to us right now."

James's head swerved so quickly they heard it crick. "Evans?" he spoke, in a noticeably lower voice, his hand springing immediately to his hair. To Sirius's delight, James lost his balance on the speedy turn, and tripped head first into the wheelbarrow full of dragon –

"SHI-" _Squelch. _"AAARRGHHH!"

Sirius and Hagrid erupted into raucous laughter, as James struggled out of the wheelbarrow. It was rather like quicksand, and it took James a while to free himself of the putrid entrapment, and even then, it made little difference, as he was covered quite thickly; his torso and face were positively caked, and his hair nothing more that a browny-green mattered mess. He spat out a mouthful and wiped his eyes.

"FUCK! HOLY BLOODY FUCK! IT BURNS!" His unsympathetic audience collapsed to the ground in mirth, holding on to each other weakly.

"HEEEEELP!" James coughed, spitting out chunks of dung. The laughter only doubled as he ran around in a circle, alternatively spitting and calling out an assortment of obscenities and pleas for assistance. Retching wildly, he ran blindly away from the vegetable patch, and perhaps by chance, into the lake.

Sirius ran behind the woodshed yet again, this time clutching his crotch. "I'm gonna wet myself!" he howled. "Blimey, I wish Evans really _was_ here!"

---

Another fifteen minutes later, a glowering James stalked towards the castle, with Sirius at his heels, cackling madly. Due to James's repulsive odour, Sirius had fastened his school tie firmly around his nose. While James managed to get most of the dung off before the Giant Squid noticed the smell, and tossed him out of the lake, the stench would not budge. Unfortunately, no magic had any effect on it whatsoever, although Hagrid had assured him that it would start to fade away within a minimum of three weeks. There was also a good chance that he would break out into warts.

Sirius sniggered, jogging to keep up with James's long stride. "Oi, Prongs!"

James grunted.

"You're the world's biggest tit!"

He responded with a stiff middle finger.

"Nah, but seriously," the grinning marauder laughed, halting as James threw open the front doors, "What sort of idiot would believe that – "

"That the girl of my dreams was right behind me?" bellowed James, rounding on Sirius. "Yeah, Sirius, laugh it up. Ha-bloody-ha! James is an idiot!"

"Uh, Prongs – "

"Do you know how much it _stinks_ to have the girl that you've liked for three years despise you with every fibre of her being?" he yelled, prodding Sirius in the chest. "More than I do, let me assure you!"

"James – "

"Let's all laugh at James!" he cried out, in a wildly sarcastic voice which teetered on the brink of insane. "He likes a girl who's pretty and funny and could kick his arse in a duel – but oh no! – she hates him! Oh, that's so _sodding_, _bleeding_, HILARIOUSLY FUNNY!"

"Mate, she's – "

"WHAT Sirius? What is it? You've already ruined my day, nothing more could possibly go wrong – "

Sirius was pointing discreetly behind James, through the oak doors. "She's walking through – "

"Eeeuuuyew!"

" – through the entrance hall…" Sirius trailed off.

James swerved around – and there she was. Lily Evans, with her beautiful green eyes, and that gorgeous red hair – eyes that were streaming at the horrible smell, and hair that was being clamped tightly against her nose to block it out.

"EEEUUUYEW!"

Brilliant.

"Alright, Evans?" A deep voiced James asked, although it was quite evident she was far from alright.

Lily coughed maniacally in reply. Although she didn't appear to have heard the conversation, James was not particularly comforted, as it seemed she was having a hard time trying not to vomit.

"Oh my _God_," Lily spluttered, backing away from the boys as if they had the plague. "What is that unholy stench?"

"James fell into a wheelbarrow full of dragon dung," piped up Sirius unhelpfully. He grinned a wicked grin.

Lily stopped coughing long enough to giggle spitefully. "What's wrong, Potter, did your big head over-balance you?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, actually, I told him that you-"

"We were helping Hagrid with some dragon dung for detention," James cut in, elbowing Sirius in the stomach and shoving him to the side. "And _this_ tosser pushed me in. What's that in the parcel?" James asked, indicating the brown paper bag tucked under her arm, for the sole purpose of changing the subject. He snatched it from her rudely and pulled out the contents.

"Hey!"

"What the hell is this?" he laughed, holding up something woolly and very long.

"It's a scarf I made for Hagrid," she snapped. There were red patchers of anger and embarrassment colouring her cheeks. She snatched it back and sniffed it gingerly. "Urgh! Great, now it smells like _you_, he won't want it now."

"He wouldn't have wanted it anyway, it looked like a gigantic crooked caterpillar," Sirius sneered.

Lily glared furiously at the two sniggering boys. She tittered sarcastically with them. "You've got some dung in your teeth," she informed James sweetly. Sirius laughed harder.

"So, any reason why you're giving Hagrid that – er… _scarf_?" James asked, not wanting her to get the upper hand.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Hagrid's been helping me study dark creatures all year, to prepare for today's exam. I've been knitting this in my spare time," she told him loftily. "It's called manners, Potter."

James was so touched by this thoughtful gesture, that he didn't saying anything, although Sirius did.

"What sort of moron would wear a scarf during summer?"

Lily glared. "You probably should Black." She indicated his neck, which sported quite a few hickies. "It looks like you've got leprosy."

Sirius grinned and pulled the collar of his shirt, revealing an unmarked spot. "Wanna contribute?"

She gave him a deeply disgusted look, which suggested she would rather have leprosy, and stalked off to Hagrid's.

James smacked Sirius in his shiny black head. "That's for hitting on Lily!"

"Sorry, mate," he winced, rubbing the sore spot. "Don't worry, don't worry, I'll make it up to you. OI EVANS," he hollered, "GO OUT WITH JAMES!" He grinned and gave James the thumbs up. James hit him in the head again.

Lily stopped dead in her tracks and turned around slowly. James groaned, but tried to carry on valiantly. "What d'ya say, Evans? You and me, this summer? My house is near the sea side – "

"Potter, I thought I made it perfectly clear before," the red head said slowly, as if James was very stupid. Which, in all fairness, she wholeheartedly believed. "_No._ I can't stand you. You make me want to punch you in the face, just for saying hello. And you smell like dead things!"

"Aw, but he really likes you," Sirius persisted, taking her by the arm and trying to push her into him. "You know how you send everyone in Gryffindor cards, at Christmas, and Easter? Well, he's kept every single one of them!"

"_Sirius_!"

"And he was _so_ put out when you turned him down after our exam today," he went on. "Crying and everything."

Lily looked at James with a horrified expression. "Is this true?"

"Erm… well, not the crying bit…"

"Oh no," Lily whispered, in appalled shock. "James Potter fancies me. That is so _gross_."

James's face fell. Sirius made a whip-cracking noise. "Ooooooh…"

"Listen here, James," Lily began, flushing pink with fury. "I am _not_ interested in you. You are mean, and obnoxious, and you only care about your hair and your broom."

"But – "

"No! You bully little kids! I saw you make a twelve year old girl cry the other day! You're rude to the teachers, and anyone who doesn't worship the ground you walk on – you're rude to _me_, and you're meant to like me!"

"I do, and – "

"Grow up, Potter!" Lily yelled. She took a deep breath and immediately gagged. "And _please _take a bath, you _reek_!" And with that, she stormed off.

Sirius looked at his dejected best friend, who was forlornly looking after the angry girl. He decided that he should go easy on this best mate, especially in his time of depression, while he was so low, so unhappy and covered in poo.

…Then again, the image of James pulling down his trousers while he was chatting up Marlene McKinnon, and then laughing manically while taking photos was too vivid.

"Prongs?"

"Myeah."

"D'you reckon Hagrid will tell your girlfriend the real reason you fell into his wheelbarrow?"

James's eyes widened in horror and he pelted after Lily.

**A/N: **Heh heh… heh heh heh… heh. So. Um. Was it appalling or merely terrible? Please tell me if I should continue my career as a comedy writer, or just quit while I'm ahead.

Anaela.

Oh, and if you _did_ like it, PLEASE review! It would assure me ever so much.


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